"O Wretched Man That I Am"

A couple of weeks ago I started reading the Book of Mormon again. I decided this time to keep a journal as I read and to write down thoughts and impressions that come to me as I am reading. I am amazed at the things I have written down and am now better able to remember because I took the time to write them down. My reading of the Book of Mormon will forever be changed since reading “The Second Comforter” by Denver Snuffer. I now see much more clearly the number of times that the Lord personally appears and speaks to those who were writers of the Book of Mormon. I want to follow the example of these great leaders.

Today I was deeply touched by 2 Nephi Chapter 4. This is the chapter where Nephi writes about his fathers final words to his family before he dies. Then Nephi goes on to give one of the greatest sermons of all time… one that I feel resonates with me and my life. I will quote Nephi, but insert my thoughts as appropriate.

Nephi writes “16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.”

I know that I shouldn’t “delight” in other people’s sorrows but I have to admit that this group of scriptures gives me great comfort. I like to know that Nephi, one of the greatest prophets of all time, who saw God and angels, continued to struggle with temptation! I honestly strive to keep the commandments but I too continue to be saddened by my weakness in keeping the commandments.

Nephi continues “19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me. “

I too know that God has been my support and has led me through mine afflictions. Even beyond my ability to comprehend, God has been there for me to support me in times of great sorrow. I have felt of His love… to the consuming of my flesh. In a time when I was so sad that I didn’t think I could go on, the Lord was there to lift me and to comfort me. He has even confounded my enemies… my enemy Satan… a story I will tell on a future post.

Nephi continues “23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?”

This may be my favorite part! Nephi has had visions… perhaps dreams because he says “in the night-time”. He has had the visitation of angels! And most importantly he has seen the Savior! (See 1 Nephi 11:1-11 to see the details of this vision. Pay particular attention to verse 11). He was carried away unto an “exceedingly high mountain” where he saw and heard things he could not write! Does this have something to do with the Temple Endowments of today?

Nephi continues “27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

I want to tell of a very sacred personal experience here. This is a story that I have never told in public before. In about 1998 Ann and I took a tour with BYU Travel Study to the Holy Land. For those of you who haven’t done this yet I highly recommend it: It is a life changing experience! While in the city of Jerusalem we had the opportunity of going to the Garden Tomb a couple of times. This experience alone is wonderful enough, but we were there at Easter… an even more sacred time for this specific spot. I am not sure that I have ever felt the Spirit stronger than I did on Easter morning in this sacred place. On most days visitors are allowed into the tomb… but on Easter the tomb is closed with a sign on the door stating “He is not here, for He is risen”.

I found a spot alone in the beautiful gardens that surround the tomb and poured my thanks out to God for my many blessings. But I also had a nagging burden on my mind. Some months before I had done something that I considered a sin. I don’t want to imply I had done anything grievous, but I had done something I was ashamed of. I felt my repentance would not be complete until I talked to my bishop about it. The problem was that my bishop was one of my best friends… I was too embarrassed to go to him. (How many has this kept from truly repenting?) As I sat there, and pled with the Lord to forgive me… an almost audible voice came to me and said “I bled from every pore, was humiliated and spit upon, whipped and beaten, nailed to a cross until I died for you… and you are embarrassed!” I felt I was cut to the core by this voice: I was so ashamed. Needless to say I went to my bishop and received forgiveness.

Nephi continues “28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen”

I bear my personal and solemn witness to you that God lives and that His Son Jesus Christ is the Redeemer of the world. I have a personal witness that true repentance, and continual striving to keep the commandments is the only place we find true joy and happiness.